When I was in the very very beginning stages of pregnancy I found a blog that written by Matt Logelin that has stayed with me ever since. His name may sound familiar - he's just released his first book titled "two kisses for Maddy". This is where I first learned how fragile life is - and how a mom's life can indeed be made more fragile when carrying a baby. Matt's wife Liz had several complications around 30 or so weeks and ended up delivering their baby early. Unfortunately the 5 weeks of bed rest resulted in a blood clot that took her life inexpectantly the day after she delivered Maddy. She was on her way to see her baby girl for the first time. . .the sheer sadness of a mom patiently waiting for her baby girl, then not even being able to see her, hold her, touch her. . .or watch her grow struck me to the core. Then to watch how Matt struggled to grasp the idea of being a single dad - raising their little girl all by himself while struggling with the grief of Liz's sudden death. . .heartbreak. If you have a box of tissues and some extra time - read his story below:

http://www.mattlogelin.com/if-you-havent-been-here-before/

I've said to Jon from the very beginning of this journey - I cannot bear the idea of never being able to see or touch or love on this little baby growing inside of me. 

Late last week I started having chest pain that steadily got worse and worse to where I couldn't breathe, couldn't bend down from the pressure {if you read my week 30 blog i.e the FIRST one...the one I accidentally deleted which is why week 30 part 2 reappeared -  I mentioned having a sore shoulder and chest}. Come Saturday night I was virtually going insane from the pain. My breathing was even more labored, movement was limited further - the pressure from simply sitting down resulted in the most incredible amount of pain. So off we go the the Emergency Room. If you know me, you know that I am very stubborn so ER's are not a place you'll find me unless I'm checking out of life {yes, nearly done that before too}. So off we go. . .get there and they immediately hook me up to the EKG machines as my complaint is chest pain related - they immediately think - ahh heart related. Breathing continues to be labored, so on goes the oxygen and in goes the IV. Blood pressure is too high so I'm now attached to additional monitoring machines that are insistent on squeezing the living life out of my arm and finger and if it's not being squeezed out they're sucking the life out of me through the IV as they run a battery of blood tests. Jon and I have nearly pulled an all nighter by this point. We didn't even do this kind of madness in College. . .and we, sure as heck, can't stay up past our bedtime. But here we are - 4am. Doctor comes in...sits down beside my bed, solemnly looks at me and says - blood results came back and it appears you have a blood clot in your lungs.     Pause     Immediately I remember Liz. Now my worst fear is practically here. I look over at Jon who's sitting there quiet digesting the information - see his sweet face, those soft, kind blue eyes - I know this man. I love this man. I've spent the last 12 years of my life with him - and now what? Worst case scenario is he going to be raising our Chloe alone? Will she only ever know me from this blog? 

Our options were simple. I need a CT scan to be sure. It's risky having a CT scan while pregnant - but even more so not having the CT scan. Chloe is at the age where they said the damage from radiation is practically nil as all her cells and core development has already occurred. Hard decision still as this is our little baby and we need to protect her. But I'm also the one sustaining her life and without my heartbeat. . .So we had the CT Scan and they protected Chloe as best they could. Results come back and it looks like my lungs are clear - however there is still confusion as to why I'm in the state I am. I have more doctor appointments coming up. Probably more tests as well. But for now it appears I'm safe. I won't be Liz. 

I learned just how much I appreciate this life God has given me - how much Jon means to me - how much this little wiggle worm means to us. . .and how quickly a Pulmonary Embolism can turn your life upside down (and when you're hanging upside down you really do appreciate life the right side up :) )